The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
