Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
