I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
