i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
