you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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