i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
