I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
