at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
