Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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