is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
