Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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