we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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