Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
