I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
