You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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