i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The uberlube is also flammable
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
