"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize