here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
