I heard we made out
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
