I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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