also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
