Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
