smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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