Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
