i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
