My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
