I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
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