He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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