seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
