So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
