I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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