Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Found your dick twin last night
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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