we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
its not stalking. its research.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
