a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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