you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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