Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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