girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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