If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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