I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize