So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
