So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Just cropdusted the office
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
