Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
