quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
