Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize