last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
