drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
