The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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