You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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