i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
