Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I want to have your abortion
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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