My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
