You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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