Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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