I didn't shave. On purpose
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
